Personally Speaking: Saving grace
By Kristy Crill
There is a sign that hangs in the day center in the office at my church that says, “Today’s Mania, Tomorrow’s Brilliance.” Those who know me from a distance and those that have only known me as the person I am today likely take that sign as a generic slogan for mental health awareness.
But those who know me personally know that statement is very sacred to me. I know what it means to struggle, blow it in EPIC ways, and then find my way back to a good, honest and abundant life.
If I look back over my life, I can see that there were indicators that there was something unique about my makeup from the get-go. My daddy loves to tell the stories of how I would take off running, inside or out. When my family would ask me why, I would simply say, “My shoes are making me run too fast.” When my parents took me to the doctor, he simply diagnosed me with a nervous stomach and gave them some ideas to help their “restless little girl chill out.”
Even as a teenager, I was a high performer. I was a high school rockstar in sports, music and academics. My core personality trait was - and still is to this day - incredibly extra, but there were definitely times that it was more than that. That is when I would find myself in all kinds of trouble. I was the textbook definition of “the life of the party” and a sought-after friend in many circles, but there were times, even then, that out of nowhere, a sense of dread, fear, panic and unexplainable grief would come over me. It was incapacitating, and I didn’t understand why.
My struggles with the darkness of mania followed by the inevitable crash that happens afterwards hit me the hardest in college. Events that began one morning and then carried on and off for the better part of the next 19 years are the fundamental makeup of my life. I could write a dissertation of specific stories about my journey fighting mania followed by debilitating depression. My brokenness took me to desperate places of shame that led me to suicide attempts, lies to friends and family, crimes I would never commit while in my right mind, wealth that never lasted more than a couple months, virtual homelessness, and irresponsible choices that could have, and sometimes did, harm myself and others, damaging relationships and burning bridges along the way.
I know that during that time, I was sick. I could feel myself disassociate from my body, watching myself in horror, asking myself why I was acting in that way, yet I was completely responsible for my actions and decisions. I also now know that, during that time, God and all of the people who love me, despite being rightfully at their wits’ end, were there, in the shadows, waiting on me to hit my lowest point so that God could pick me up, dust me off and redeem my life.
I would love to tell a story of how one day, I simply made the right choice to finally stick with one of the many chances I was offered to get help. This help included counseling and medication that I desperately needed, but that is not how it goes for a hardcore, hard-headed manic-depressive person with an “I’ll just do better” mindset like me. Unfortunately, my saving grace came in a very ugly package when I ran from a mental hospital following a suicide attempt. I hitchhiked, stole a car, and broke into an office at which I worked. On foot with no ID, I was arrested. After being brought to a holding cell, I refused to give police my real name for three days and landed myself in a medical holding cell on suicide watch, with no chance of getting out on bond.
From there, a compassionate officer saw something good in me. A judge followed suit. Instead of getting what I believe I really deserved, I was given the help that I finally accepted and that ultimately changed my life for the better. Getting on the right medication and dosage is not a quick fix and sharing your vulnerabilities with a counselor is not an easy task. For me, once I made the decision to walk away from a lifestyle of hurting those who loved me so much - those who I, at the time, would have sworn to be my worst enemies - I was able to stick with treatment. I can thankfully say that it has now been more than a decade since I have had a manic episode or a thought of ending my life.
My life today defies all logic and I am thankful for the ocean of grace poured out on me by God. I founded The Dive Savannah, a catering company, and I am an ordained minister with a license that allows me to help people in situations that I was once in myself. With the support of my local ministry and my community, The Dive Savannah spearheads weekly outreach that provides food, supplies and empathy to the homeless. I am fortunate to no longer be in that situation.
I live my life as a trusted business owner in service to others, because I can relate to those experiences firsthand. On the exterior, the insights people get into my life now make it seem wonderful, fruitful and rewarding.
In reality, it is much more. My diagnosis is not my curse, but instead my superpower. The ultimate gift for me is what exists inside me now: not only the ability to fully see, understand and help others, but also a clear conscience, peace, creative focus that has an outlet, lifelong friendships and relationships built with trust and acceptance, and a confidence that I will remain committed to my own treatment and healing for the rest of my life.